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Once upon a time, there lived a Princess in the Kingdom of Attorneys. The Princess was forbidden from engaging with the world below her family’s skyscraper, but she collected all the land artifacts that made their way up the tower: a stray coffee shop punch card, a knock-off Goyard bag from the lost & found, a Hunger Games paperback that she furtively stole from her father’s secretary. These things spoke to her of another life, one that would free her from the confines of the 88th floor.

Once upon a time, there lived a man who stole some kale from his neighbor for his pregnant wife. This was both rude and foolish, because his neighbor was a powerful witch. One night, she caught him and threatened to curse him if he didn’t give her his unborn child. Being a dopey and juvenile ‘90s-sitcom-husband-type, he agreed. His wife was used to his doofus-y antics, so she just rolled her eyes while a laugh-track played in the background.

Long, long ago (like, back in 2014), there was a Woodcutter who lived with his second wife and three teenaged children. Their names were Hansel, Gretel, and Moon Unit, because their parents had been hippies in the ‘60s and liked to consider themselves unconventional.